Dear Grocery Store Women:

#1: Dear woman at the grocery store who looked at my baby's bare feet and snidely said, "where are her socks?"

Yesterday was a tough day. After having all three of my kids wake up multiple times the previous night and then greet me very happily at 6 am, I was exhausted and barely hanging on.  My life as a stay-at-home parent is fraught with constant fights, endless messes, and incessant self-doubt. I am my harshest critic, especially in parenting. Instead of offering harsh advice, wouldn't a little kindness go further? And how did you know that I had socks to put on my baby? (I didn't, by the way, they had mysteriously disappeared over the week.)

I realize that maybe you were having a hard day and felt the need to look at me and my kids with judgment to make yourself feel better.  That's fine. I have those days, too.  But something that I am keenly aware of is how much we all struggle in life.  That woman who is carrying a coat-less child around during a snow storm, how do I know that her daughter didn't throw a series of tantrums while her mom tried getting her coat on?  Or that they even own a coat?  I don't. Instead of looking at her through my limited lens, I try to give the benefit of doubt.

#2: Dear woman at the grocery store who looked at me as I was wrangling my three kids in the check-out line and said, "you are doing awesome, keep it up!" -

Thank you.  I hope I treat everyone I meet with as much kindness as you showed me that day.

*****

Two strangers who said vastly different things. While one led to a night full of parenting self-contempt with phrases like, "you worthless lump, how could you go out without putting socks on your baby's feet?" running through my head, the other led to a day in which I cried many tears of joy.  Finally, someone recognized how hard I work to keep calm while out with my kids.

It is my goal to be more like grocery store woman #2.  Rather than more parental judgment in this world, we need more support.

Which one are you?

The Power of Perspective

When discussing how certain things are really tough right now (like expensive car repairs) I said to Ben,

"Things may be tough, but at least we're not getting eaten by vampires." 

I call that PERSPECTIVE.

--personal status update, January of this year

(Yes, I'm totally quoting myself. Because, why not?)

I am not a big fan of current usage of the word, "perspective."  I think that it's often misused in an attempt to dampen their personal struggles. In a  "Oh you're going through depression?  Well why don't you get a little PERSPECTIVE and stop complaining?" kind of way.  In it's pure definition it's a concept I readily apply to my own life.

Perspective
noun
2b: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance 
(Merriam Webster online dictionary)

If I start to feel all blah and dreary about life, there are three things that always cheer me up.

When I'm feeling particularly crabby about laundry, or any other chore, or the massive piling therein, I just remind myself, at least we have a washer and dryer.

From the basement apartment that we inhabited when Ben and I were newlyweds to the big town home we first lived in when moving to Missouri, we always had a washer and dryer.  But last year, when we moved to St. Louis, we didn't.  For 1 year we struggled carrying 8-10 heavy bags of laundry up and down three flights of stairs to our little car, buckling all three kids in car seats, driving 20 min to a decent laundromat, and spending the next 4+ hours doing laundry.  Now that we have a washer and dryer again (and a dishwasher, BAM!), I do not abhor laundry like I used to.  Nothing rivals sitting in a tiny apartment with bags of dirty laundry and only one or two pairs of clean clothes for your kids hoping everyone can last until the weekend for laundry day.  Yep, I'll take my constantly growing pile of laundry in the basement to that any day.

When the weather threatens to upend my mental stability, I remember that, at least we have parks nearby.

Most of my parenting life, I've also been within reasonable walking distance to parks.  I remember spending hours just playing at parks when we lived in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment in Utah and loving it. When we moved to that awful place in St. Louis, the closest parks were all about a 10-15 min drive. There wasn't space near the apartment for the kids to play in and we were often stuck inside - especially while I was pregnant and when Baby A was just born - All. Day. Long.  Now that we live right next to a park and we have a nice, big, backyard, and are within walking distance of stores and other parks, I am blissfully happy.  The weather hasn't permitted much use of either the parks or the backyard, but they're there, and that's all that matters.

If all else fails, I just think, "hey, at least I'm not pregnant."  Enough said.

The Truth of Three Kids

On my former blog (you can see the archives here) I once wrote about having three kids.  At the time I said something like, "it's easy in some ways - like the baby stage - and difficult in other ways - like parenting my older kids."  Now that I'm 7.5 months into the whole thing, I have a rather different perspective. This is what parenting three kids really looks like on a daily basis.

Scene I: Nap Time

All three kids are screaming for various reasons: the 4 year-old wants a different lunch; the 3 year-old wants to watch a fire truck show; the baby wants to be picked up and probably nursed. I grab the baby and attempt to reason with the 4 year-old regarding her lunch only to have her scream at me, throw various items, and run to her room.  The 3 year-old, in the meantime, is so tired he starts making random messes - pouring orange juice all over the table and floor, dumping cereal out into the pantry, emptying out the toy boxes - so I gently lead him into his room and put him on his bed.  I try to nurse the baby while reading a story to the 3 year-old only to have the 4 year-old, a little happier now, run in and start demanding different stories.  The 4 and 3 year-old soon start jumping on and off the bed, on and off me, and running around the room.  As I'm still nursing the baby I can only parent from afar and, by this point, I'm a bit beyond patient parenting. After several attempts to convince all the kids to just lay down and sing songs with me, I huddle in the corner with a dazed look on my face pretending I'm on a shady beach, book in hand, soaking up the sun rays.

Scene II: Post Nap Time Debacle

Since nap time probably didn't happen, thanks to the shenanigans mentioned above, I try a new method.

"Okay kids, go play in the back yard (weather permitting) or down stairs with your toys."

If I'm lucky, the baby is asleep and I fool myself into thinking I can get some homework done.  But, before being able to start on homework, I must take care of all the random liquids and foods spilling from various places in the kitchen (so I can work in the kitchen and keep tabs on all the kids).  Fifteen minutes in, the 3 year-old has tried to escape down the street multiple times, the 4 year-old has come in demanding a snack 79 times, and the baby has decided she's not tired anymore.  So, with a semi-messy kitchen and a pile of homework still to complete, I sit on the floor and contemplate the possibility of cloning another me.

Three kids means more of everything - more crying, more messes, more battles, more hugs, more kisses,  MORE.

Excuse me while I hide in a closet.

To My Young(er) Self:

Having this baby (and others to come) will change your life in many good ways (complete adoration of another human being) and some not-so-good ways (crippling anxiety and depression).

Despite the massive amounts of information you consumed prior to birthing your daughter, you will have no idea what you are doing.  There are many wise people surrounding you who understand the difficulty of parenting, let them help you.

Sleep books will promise a lie - that they can train your baby to sleep through the night for life. Your baby will sleep, then not sleep, then really not sleep, then kind of sleep again, and finally sleep through the night, only to repeat the cycle when she teethes, gets sick, when you are in a different place or move, when another sibling arrives, and so on and so forth.   Her bedtime routine will change over and over again.  You will want to pull your hair out wondering what you are doing wrong.  But, you are doing nothing wrong.  As one very wise person once stated, all kids' phases - good and bad - pass.  Don't fret about it.

Go with the flow in parenting.  Let your kids be kids.  You will have a great time watching them develop motor skills, language, social skills, and many other things.  Learn to laugh rather than feel frustrated at the messes they create.  Messes are just a sign of children being children.  Be adventurous.  Be relaxed. As much as you can, enjoy this time with them.

If you don't enjoy the time with them, don't feel stressed about it.  Some things are not enjoyable - poop messes, tantrums, colic, etc.  That's okay.

You are doing great.  Even when you feel like a absolute failure.  Even when you stay awake at night analyzing everything you said and kicking yourself for doing/saying something wrong and curse yourself for bringing your children to such an imperfect mom - you are doing great.

Your children will love you.  They will forgive you.  They will learn with you.  You will teach them to be kind, compassionate, respectful children and they, in turn, will teach you patience, understanding, and how to love unconditionally.

As much as some things get easier, some things get more difficult.  Your children will go from being absolutely dependent on you, to screaming for their own independence.  They will have their own thoughts about everything and will make sure to express these to you at very inconvenient moments.

Sometimes you will cry.  Sometimes you will feel so frustrated that you have to either remove them from the situation or yourself so you can both regroup.  This is parenting.

Don't let outside observations or comments get to you.  Remember that even those who seem to have perfect and easy children still struggle with various things.  And don't take parenting books and websites too seriously.  Use pieces of advice that would suit you best and let everything else go.

Above all, let love guide you.  And drink copious amounts of caffeine.  You'll need it.

Breaking Study Finds Long Debated "Kid Sense"

Scientists from the Academy of Sarcastic Parents released results from their Kid Sense study early Monday afternoon. According to the results, a sixth sense was found in the outerauditory processing system in children or, what the scientists call, the "Kid Sense."

"We were excited that our hypotheses were validated; namely, that children really do have a sixth sense when it comes to parents' activities."

In this study, researchers were able to document several lab-controlled instances of children sensing when their parents were in desperate need of kid-free time and invading that space immediately.  The following are three examples.

Scenario A: Waking Up Early

Mom wakes up at 5:30 am in order to finish some work before her children wake up.
She tiptoes to the office intent on keeping her sleeping children asleep.

Child senses that mom needs to get some work done so, despite the early hour, quietly pads into the room where the mom is and shouts, "I'M HUNGRY!"

Scenario B: Couple Time

Mom and dad get kids to bed at their regular time.  Kids fall quickly fall asleep.  Mom and dad head to their room for some much needed couple time.

Child senses that parents are in their room, without him, so instantly wakes up and runs into their room screaming, "I HAVE TO GO POTTY!"

Scenario C: Nap time

Mom is exhausted due to infant waking up several times at night and is in dire need of sleep.  At the regularly scheduled nap time she does everything within her power to get all three children to sleep.  The infant and 3 year-old  fall asleep quickly but the 4 year-old, using her Kid Sense, knows what mom is up to so intends to stay awake as long as possible either making messes or getting into various dangerous items.  After 2 hours, the 4 year-old finally falls asleep and mom drops into bed only to have the infant wake up 2 minutes later.

In an interview with Amber Sarcastic, CEO and head researcher of Academy of Sarcastic Parents, she explained how this would greatly impact parenting techniques in the future.

"Now that the 'Kid Sense' has been found parents can knowingly adjust their expectations.  Whereas before they ventured for one hour of kid-free time a day, they can go for 0 hours! There's no sense in keeping unrealistic expectations."

Use Stress Wisely

Weight loss is always an important topic.  I know since having Amelia I've thought often about actively losing the postpartum weight (chocolate *always* seemed more important at the time).  This time around, though, I decided to try a different route that doesn't include dietary change or exercise.  I chose stress.

Before I was married, I spent my free time eating when my anxiety went out the roof and stress continued to build. Not very conducive for weight loss goals.  Now that I have kids, I'm confused by the term "free-time." Pretty sure it only exists in the fantasy novels I enjoy.

A month ago, with school starting soon, I decided that my wardrobe (maternity jeans and a bleach stained pair of pants) was in desperate need of updating. So I went pants shopping.  Being in between sizes, I chose a couple pairs of each size and figured my body would figure out which direction it wanted to go over the next few months. 

That was before I started the Stress Diet. Before I knew it, I had dropped 2 pants sizes in 3 weeks. 

In adulthood, one must always expect the unexpected or you'll find yourself in the really awkward situations. Like walking home from a park with 3 screaming children and no stroller (because the park is only a block away from your house!), alternating between picking up your toddler, walking 5 feet, putting him down to pull up your pants, picking him up again and repeating the process until you get home, covered in sweat and cursing your now defunct pants.  

I think I need a belt.  

Any belt buying tips? (Seriously.  I've never bought a belt before.)

Be Careful What You Wish For

God, Goddess, AND the Universe really want to teach me a few lessons in this life.  Either that or I need to stop asking for traits like compassion, empathy, and understanding of other people's life situations.

One time when I was feeling pretty smug about my successful life besides issues with anxiety and depression, I was telling other mental illness sufferers (in my head) to suck it up.  I felt pretty puffed up in my sympathizing-with-others ability, too, and let the Universe know it.

The Universe was like, "Girl, you really need some humbling."

Smack.

I started having major panic attacks and depression, finally feeling the empathy I should have felt earlier.

When I was a young girl, I greatly feared having infertility issues.  After getting married and having two kids in quick succession (14 months), I was all high and mighty.  I got to know a few women who struggled with infertility so I tried really hard to understand what they were going through.  That year I said a prayer to understand these women's trials and try to be more compassionate.

God was like, "Sure! You're a hands-on learner, so I'll just...."

Bam.

And then I had 4 miscarriages in 2 years.  Yeah I learned compassion real fast.

Later on, I was wondering what it felt like to live in poverty.  I wondered if people who were underprivileged were self-inflicting their poverty or what.  So I asked Goddess about it.

Goddess asked, "How serious are you about learning?" And I was like, "Serious, serious."

Punch. (This is all figurative, you know.)

My little family and I moved to the worst apartments we've ever lived in, surrounded by real poverty.  That year was the hardest year (in regards to living circumstances) I've ever had.

Finally, after hearing of a few friends whose children suffer from chronic illnesses, I asked the Universe to help me learn compassion and feel empathy towards those families.

The Universe said, "I can do that."

Kick.

With the on-set of Andrew's seizures, and his subsequent diagnosis of primary epilepsy disorder, I had my fill of hospitals, IV's, neurologists, tests, etc.

Okay Universe. Okay God.  Okay Goddess. I think I've learned my lesson. I'll be careful when I develop next year's New Year's resolutions.  

But....on second thought.  I kind of like who I am now because of all these experiences.  So. Thank you?